so there I am this afternoon, taking advantage to my first day off from training this week and I'm just minding my own business watching my newly upgraded cable (hello Weeds!) and all of a sudden my roommate dashes out into the living room and disrupts my ass-sitting.

[pointing to her room]

ROOMMATE: there's... there's... there's a roach in my room.
MIRM: ok, question number one. how big was he?
ROOMMATE: like a softball I guess.
MIRM: well, then, we really ought to be on the phone to the world record people cause that buddy is gonna smash the record for the world's largest cockroach.
ROOMMATE: ok, not that big. but big.
MIRM: big like a softball? like a tennis ball? like a golf ball? like your hand? it is crucial that we determine just how big he was.
ROOMMATE: ummm, well he was on my arm and then I moved it and he flew off the bed and into the corner.
MIRM: question number two. is he still in the corner?

[we both proceed to tip toe into her room, and discover that clearly somebody was no longer in the corner]

MIRM: ok, it appears as though your roommate is playing hide n go seek w/ you.
ROOMMATE: you are not helping the situation.
MIRM: [high-fiving myself] that was pretty funny, so I thought. ok, it's not funny. cause now that roach is in your room and will be stirring up some trouble, looking for friends and pooing in your room this evening.

[we tip toe back out into the living room]

ROOMMATE: well what do I do now?
MIRM: we wait like they did in Gettysburg.
ROOMMATE: not solving the problem!
MIRM: surely the little f*cker will come back out to walk on your bed. let's give him some time. you probably scared the shit out of him. but from the sound of what I heard, you silently got scared cause I didn't hear shit come from you before you ran out of your room.

[10 minutes pass]

ROOMMATE: Miriam! Miriam! he's there! he's there!

[I get up off the couch and look into her room to discover a tiny little roach on her wall]

MIRM: oh yah. look at that. that sure is a roach and he's about the size of a band-aid. wow. you really don't ever see them that skinny and long. he must be the outcast in the tribe.
ROOMMATE: you have seen others?
MIRM: oh g-d no! I'm just saying, once I saw this squirrel w/ a skinny white tail and all the other squirrels had normal tails... the skinny white tail one kept trying to find nuts w/ the normal tailed ones and they kept running circles around him cause he was different. what a way to treat family I tell ya!
[nodding my head back and forth w/ disgust]
so you see, that roach, he sure is funny looking and I bet the other roaches made him the outcast in the tribe... which is why he is in your room and not in the crazy Cat Lady's apartment on 2. so to answer your question, no, I haven't seen others.
ROOMMATE: well we need to get him out.
MIRM: I will get the broom.
ROOMMATE: no! don't kill him!
MIRM: question number three... do you really wanna sleep w/ him in your room tonight?
ROOMMATE: tupperware?
MIRM: you want to save him as a pet?
ROOMMATE: no. catch him and release him
MIRM: [under my breath] yeah, i catch the little fucker and then let him take a dive into our swimming pool.
ROOMMATE: fine. you can kill him. but I have to take some things out before you do it.

[15 minutes later, and the roach is now a foot higher on the wall... make progress!]

ROOMMATE: ok.
MIRM: are you sure? cause your bed is still in your room. you took everything else out except for you bed.
ROOMMATE: you are not helping matters.
MIRM: ok. [grab the broom and walk into her room]
MIRM: ok you little f*cker. you wanna play? huh? [swing the broom a little] yeah! you see this... this is your doom! whatya gonna do???
ROACH: [says nothing, but wiggles his antennas at me like a motherf*cker]
MIRM: you wanna play? huh? BRING IT ON MOTHERF*CKER! BRING IT ON! [wave the broom at him again] pick a side bitch. you going right or left? either way you are mine! come on! move to the left!
ROACH: [says nothing, but wiggles his antennas at me like a motherf*cker]
MIRM: I am going to smmmmmaaaaassssshhhhh you biotch! smash you like the bug you are!
ROOMMATE: you know they don't understand english... right?
MIRIAM: it's for effect. come on, this just makes it more fun.
ROOMMATE: wait, let me put a towel on the bed.

[she puts towel on the bed]

MIRM: alrighty. you ready? are you ready to die motherf*cker? cause I'm a swinging!

[swings the broom and he flies off the wall and onto a shelf.
MIRM: [under my breath] oh no.
ROOMMATE: I heard that. oh no... what? did you get him?
MIRM: not exactly.
ROOMMATE: what do you mean???
MIRM: he is on your shelf, somewhere. no worries.

[moving stuff around, he crawls off the shelf and onto the floor. I swing the broom]

MIRM: DIE MOTHERF*CKER! DIE! [swinging broom] YEAH MOTHERF*CKER! DOOMESDAY! OH YEAH!
ROACH: [says nothing, wiggles one antenna]
ROOMMATE: not dead! not dead!
MIRM: [swinging broom] BAHM! OH YEAH! BAHM LIKE EMRIL'S NUTS!!!!

[there is a knock at our door]
[open door, neighbor standing outside]

NEIGHBOR: are you guys alright? we heard somebody screaming bloody murder and got worried.
ROOMMATE: oh no, that was Miriam and the cockroach which is now pulp on my floor. she won the battle. no worries.
NEIGHBOR: some battle. remind me to come to her when we have them.
ROOMMATE: you can have her. she is all your's. har har har. just kidding.

[neighbor leaves]
[calling out from bedroom]

MIRM: hey, can you please hand me a dust pan so I can scoop this little dead-all-over-your-floor-motherf*cker up?
ROOMMATE: sure.